


Denial

by stimmedtavi



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Crypto x Octane, M/M, Taejoon Park x Octavio Silva, cryptane - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26013328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stimmedtavi/pseuds/stimmedtavi
Summary: He keeps telling himself he didn’t mean it, that it was a lie and he was just angry. But if it were a lie why did he say it? He’s someone on the run sure, but someone like Octavio? Crypto wouldn’t lie to him. Right?
Relationships: Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Octane | Octavio Silva
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> ((heavily based off of “we belong together” by mariah carey and it SHOWS, also this is my first fic I’ve done in awhile so I am r-u-s-t-y ruuustty! excuse that!))

[Crypto POV]

The whirring of my drone has never been more bothersome in my life. Hack got really damaged during the games today and now I have to fix him. It was Pathy that shot him down today, on a squad with Renee and Octavio. I hate that I know Octavio probably told Pathfinder to go for Hack and not me, he cares too much to give orders to take me out, whether we’re broken up or not. It aches in my heart for a moment but I know that what’s done is done. Nothing changes the past and you can either run from it or deal with it. I’m clearly a fan of the former.  
It wasn’t supposed to be a messy breakup, and in honesty it really wasn’t. Of course he got angry with me and he yelled, he had every single right to, I don’t know how I would have reacted had I been in his position. I wasn’t drunk or on anything either, the words just slipped out during a simple argument and Octavio lost it. I don’t know if I meant it or not, I can’t tell if I’m a liar or not but either way he’s not going to believe me. The ache in my heart is painful as I remember how hurt he looked as he stormed out of my room. I carefully lay down my drone and go lay down on my bed, too scared I’ll end up smashing Hack to pieces due to my emotions.

For a moment, when I’m laying down that night trying to sleep, I wish he were beside me. We were never very careful and I hated it at first. I wasn’t even supposed to have any emotions towards the people that took part in these games. My original plan got ruined when I saw him and I denied it at first. I didn’t want to develop feelings for someone I barely knew, it felt wrong and weird to want to trust someone just by watching how they acted. I told myself I didn’t want that. I denied it. Denying seems to be something I’m good at now. I hate the truth of what I said to Octavio. I was surprised he even believed it. His boyfriend, me, who doted on him and cared for him endlessly, telling him that I didn’t love him. It didn’t even make sense to me. I must have been lying but even so, why would I lie to him? He’s the only one in this damn sport that knows me well, so I never imagined I’d be lying here alone. Sleeping is difficult now, without him pressed up beside me, snoring like a hog, but I manage some nights. I hope tonight I can.

The feeling of regret only worsens the next night at Mirage’s bar. As usual Elliot and Octavio are the entertainment for the night, goofing off like the idiots they are. I’m trying to enjoy myself but I feel a twinge of pain as I think about how I used to make Tavi smile like that. His silly little smile he’d get when he’d done something stupid and wanted to show me. I miss it all. I miss him so much and he’s in the same goddamned room as me. Being friends is nothing like being lovers, friends are further from lovers than nothing is. So maybe it’s best that I watch from afar and become nothing to him.

[Octane POV]

I can feel his eyes on me right now. Elliot knows I’m hurting but offered to let me goof off at the bar tonight in hopes to lift my spirits but it’s so difficult when I can feel his stare on me. Some people would be creeped out but not me. I know those eyes can be kind and loving and hold the most adoration like you wouldn’t believe. So to have him having his eyes on me is something I can’t quite hate. At least I’ve got his attention. I wonder for a second if he regrets what he said, but I know Crypto doesn’t just say things for no reason. It came as a shock to me and so I grew angry. I felt betrayed. He let me go on and imagine a life together, led me on for too long, only to drop me like an empty magazine. I hate lying alone at night, thinking about how his arms used to hold me close, thinking about how I can’t kiss him good night and good morning. This feeling is so insanely awful and I can’t stand it. We belonged together, or at least I thought as much.

When I finally get back from the bar, it’s around 4am or something of the sort and I’m still not tired. I just want him home, here, where I am. There’s an entire piece of me missing right now and he’s just down the hall. I just can’t bring myself to go down there and knock on his door, I can barely believe he doesn’t love me. The words ring in my mind a thousand times over and this week has been the only week where I haven’t been bouncing on my feet 24/7. Heartbreak has left me stilled in my tracks and it’s like I can’t move on. I’m still in shock and I can’t move. Stim has nothing on him; He was my driving force for the months we were together. I’m Octane still, the daredevil adrenaline junkie so many love, but when I’m not cheating death and kicking ass I’m just Octavio. Stage me is not Octavio, but Octavio doesn’t feel right without Crypto. And sure it could be made out as dependent, but the truth is that he was home. These games aren’t home, neither is the compound. He is where I feel most safe and most loved, and that’s where home is. I’ve got no house and all I could pack was my broken heart. I just wish my home would come back to me, I wish Crypto were here so badly.

The other Legends have always been kind to me, especially Wattson and Mirage, but it’s just not the same. I don’t know who I have to confide in now, nor do I know anyone else that stays up as late as I do into the night. There’s no one else out there like him and I wish there was so I could be in love with them instead. I would fall in love with people like him a thousand times over though, but because they’re all him I’d be left anyways. What is the point? I could ask God.  
My brain is getting too loud so I turn on my music, apparently the last song I had on is also about heartbreak so I quickly skip to the next one. Unfortunately it’s still heartbreak themed. I just can’t fucking catch a break tonight can I? I feel so thrown right now, like I’m just a ragdoll that’s been beat down on until I’m just chunks of stuffing in fabric. Fucking empty. I toss my phone onto my bed angrily and it starts a storm. I’m not usually someone who throws a tantrum like this but fuck I can’t stand this emotion. I can’t fucking do it. I can feel my skin fucking crawling and I hate that I have no idea where I went wrong in this situation. I’ve spent hours trying to figure out what I did wrong and I can’t identify a damn thing. At this point I’m tempted to admit to myself that he may not have even loved me in the first place. I was just a fucking plaything to him and I got used. As fucking usual gullible Octavio gets toyed with. So excitable and dumb, I wish I knew better but he was so kind. Fuck he was so kind and I miss it. I bite into my pillow as I fall face first into my bed, tears stinging at my eyes as I try not to cry again. Caustic has told me he can hear when I have my ‘Moments’ as he called them. Just as suddenly as I fell onto my bed, I roll over and sit up. I reach down to take my legs off and when they detach I toss them onto the floor, landing with a clatter I know will piss off my neighboring Legends. I can’t find it in myself to care, at least they don’t have to hear me cry. I just want him back in my life, I hate that he’s so far. I want him right here. I know in my heart it’s wrong but I still think him and I were meant for each other. Physically freaking out isn’t the right thing to do so I settle on laying still and just gripping my sheets as tightly as I can. I might just stay the whole night like this, waiting for a knock on my door, waiting for him to come back.


	2. Prove Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He told himself it’s “done” and “over”. It’s been a few weeks now and he’s “over” it. Maybe Crypto wasn’t meant for him, but god a part of him wants to relive that dream again.

((Octane POV))

I’ve always been fast paced. I’m a speed demon, adrenaline junkie and a daredevil. People like me aren’t supposed to linger on things for too long. Maybe that’s what Crypto and I had in common, running and ignoring. It’s not like I care about what him and I had in common anymore though, that doesn’t matter because it can’t matter right now.

The universe really has it in for me because sticking me in a duo with my Ex-Boyfriend who I kind of hate is really the salt in the wound. I’ve decided to use my jump pads and run far away from him, I can barely see him on my map at this point and I could care less. It’s clear he wants some distance so I’ll fuck off to anywhere away from him. Last month me would have been too busy begging Crypto for a bit of attention in the ring, especially with him in the outfit he is in now. I’m not sure if he can remember anything about our relationship, I doubt he can since he didn’t even love me, but I loved that jacket on him. The entire “Hired Gun” vibe he had gone for with it just felt so right on him. I hate that he can still look so good despite being such an ass. I keep having to remind myself that he’s not mine anymore, just as I’m not him. No good luck kisses before games, no careful kisses over a wound, nothing of that sort. But with him looking like that it’s hard to forget what it was like to be in love with him. My attraction is more than skin deep of course, I just can’t love his inside because of what he did. Imagine being that lovely but only to ruin things that are good. He played me like a fool, but I know I liked being his fool.  
I’m thinking far too much for someone who’s in the middle of a gunfight.

I hear the piercing noise of a charge rifle somewhere near me and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise. I’m spotted and I know it, but at this point I’m tired of competing already, being anywhere near him has ruined my vibe. I know that I’m probably in trouble with a capital T already but I decide to crawl somewhere a little more visible. I spot Hack from where I’m crouched and I feel red flush through my face. He can see me and it’s pissing me the fuck off. I don’t want him to fucking look at me, he lost that right. I unholster my Mastiff and take a shot at the stupid drone, immediately alerting people of my area as the drone falls to the ground. For a second I feel relief, then sharp, sharp pain. Someone’s shot me between the shoulder blades. I cry out at first as I turn around, facing blazing orange eyes and a too-tall robotic frame.  
“You’re absorbed in yourself Silva,” Revenant grumbles. I hate being killed by him, he always takes too much pleasure in hurting people. I feel too exhausted to deal with him, I barely have enough energy to scramble back as his voice box hums contently at the thought of having another kill. “It doesn’t please me to kill you-” He starts but the sound of a Kraber cracks through the air and just as suddenly as I had felt relief to pain earlier, so does Revenant. His body crumbles in front of me, clanking to the floor in an awful robotic way. A hole is smoking in his headpiece, the fabric from his scarf split almost comically from where the bullet has lodged itself in his metal skull.

“You’re welcome, Octavio.” I hear through my communicator. I bite my tongue from lashing out and saying something stupid like I didn’t need his help and say “Thanks,” quietly.

“Well he saved ya for a reason Silva,” Ajay says, looking at me skeptically. I roll my eyes at her. “He wanted to win, he doesn’t care about me Che. Also do you even know my first name?” I tease. She smiles at me a little and shakes her head. I know she’s right, and she brought me to her room to convince me to talk it out with him because she’s ‘tired of seeing me mope around the compound’. It’s just difficult for me to think about talking it out with him because I know my tongue and I won’t be able to hold it. I could barely keep it together earlier in the medic room while we were getting fixed up. It was awkward and angry silence. Awkward because I was the one who fucked us over and angry because Crypto got killed because of me. I could barely keep myself from telling him how being shot in the chest with an R-99 is nothing close to the pain he can inflict.  
“It’s not like he hates ya! You know he’s the one who sent me after ya right?” She raises a brow. I know he did. I didn’t want to believe it but I know Che knows me. And if you know me you know I reject, reflect and hide away from my feelings. At first it was easy because I could be hurt but at this point I feel I should be moving away from things like that. I should be moving on from him. I hate my past and now he’s part of it so I have to hate him, even if it pains me to do it. I know she sees my look of distaste and she gives me that sympathetic look she always used to when I’d scrape my knee or break a toy.  
“Octavio you can’t always run. Especially not from someone who’s good at running too, you’ll just chase each other. Now get out of my room I’d like to rest.” she says. I give her the stink eye and tell her that I’ll talk to her tomorrow and bid her good night.

[Crypto POV]

Waiting outside someone’s door is difficult. Mostly because you just want to walk away and keep the door shut. Opening up is hard and I don’t particularly enjoy face to face confrontation, so all I can hope is that Lifeline simmered him down enough to talk to me. It was a dirty rotten move for me to ask her to help me out and I usually don’t like to ask for favors, but she’s the only one that can truly get through to Tavi. I’m so stuck in my thoughts I almost miss the sound of Octavio and Ajay saying good night just down the hall, door slightly ajar since Octavio’s foot is keeping it open. I take a deep breath and try to keep myself together, I know where I stand now and all I can hope is that he’s not going to push me over.

“Could you move please?” Octavio says tightly. It’s a polite request, but I don’t obey it. He’s tense and he’s not even near the door, closer to Caustic’s room than his own.  
“Can we just talk?” I ask him quietly, not wanting others to hear how pathetic I sound. I chastise myself critically in my own head, wondering how I got here and how someone like Octavio could batter me down into being polite instead of outright destructive. I wish I could just walk away, turn on my heel and break his heart again maybe just to prove to myself that I can still reach that goal. But at this point Octavio is my goal. I want to work for him. I want him to be mine again, so, so badly. In response to my question he sighs and nods, shouldering past me a bit to unlock his door and let us in.

“There’s really nothing to talk about you know,” He spits a little harshly. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I’m tongue tied, I don’t know what to say. All this convincing and I have nothing to say to him. “What’s wrong? You look stupid just standing there after convincing my best friend to come let you talk to me, to let you in again, so why don’t you say something? You wasted enough of my time letting me fall in love with you, so don’t waste anymore.” Octavio says, glaring daggers at me from where he sits now on the bed. His words cut me like tiny razors, I know his anger and how he hates it. He loves to be fun and kind, it’s why he’s so lovable, so seeing that I’ve made him like this only makes me feel more awful. I open my mouth and no words come out. I know what I need to say but my mouth won’t make the right sounds, so I shut it again. It’s now that I see he’s tearing up. His beautiful green eyes are welling up with tears caused by me, I’ve hurt him so badly and I can’t stand it. He must notice that I see he’s crying and he messily rubs at his face to clear them away before they can properly fall.  
“I don’t want whatever apology you’re trying to make here because it’s not convincing nor is it for me. It’s for you. Just like everything is,” Octavio starts as he stands up. He’s shorter than me but I know that words hold weight and currently he’s crushing me. “Everything has always been for you and I can’t fucking believe I fell for someone who would use me. What sort of advantage did I even have? Did you want fame? It’s not like you to be like that but who even knows who you are. I can’t believe I thought I did-” And it’s then that I snap.

“That’s not right at all, Octavio. I know what I said and I don’t even know why it slipped out. It’s always been too hard to say I’m sorry so my tongue settled on ‘I don’t love you’ and it was so wrong. I know you don’t believe me, especially since I’m built on lies and you know that but please, baby I’m begging you here, let me prove to you that I love you. Because for the one time I said ‘I don’t love you’ I’ll tell you I truly do in more ways than words a thousand times over. I’m sorry I lied, and I’m sorry for upsetting you. I know that my words sound hollow to you at this moment, I wouldn’t believe me either, but if you just give me a chance I swear I can prove to you how much I love you. I’ve always loved you and I’m sorry I ever told you I didn’t. I don’t know how I can go on without you, I miss you. And I’m sorry.”

I bubbled over. I’ve said too much and maybe it’s only made him grow angrier. I can’t tell yet but his eyes look glossy again and tears start falling. His arms are around me soon and his face is buried in my shoulder as he babbles into the fabric of my coat. I can’t understand much of it but I make out “Do you really mean it?” at one point and I pull him closer to me.  
“I mean it Tavi, I swear to God I do. I never want to lie to you again and I’m so sorry I ever did.” I swear to him, he nods into my coat and soon his rambling turns into sniffles and he pulls away from me. “I accept your apology but I want you to know it may take some time for me to fully trust you again.” He admits quietly. I nod and press a kiss to the top of his head. It feels right. This is where I’m supposed to be. He laughs quietly and looks up at me, “So we’re good?” I ask. He nods eagerly and leans up to press a kiss to my cheek,  
“We’re good, and we’re gonna get better.”

Finally after some more talking and a little more crying, he’s fallen asleep in my arms. He’s pressed up against me like he should be, and he’s snoring calmly. I can tell he hasn’t slept because I’m able to shift with him in my arms and he’s too passed out to wake up. I feel ashamed that I hurt him so badly, but just as he said, we’re good and we’re going to get better. I can rest easy now, knowing he’s my boy and he’s safe with me.


End file.
